· I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T!
· You don’t win friends with salad.
· It takes two to lie, Marge. One to lie and one to listen.
· You tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is: Never try.
· I call the big one “Bitey.”
· The waiting game sucks. Let’s play Hungry Hungry Hippos.
· Stupid sexy Flanders.
· You’ll have to speak up, I’m wearing a towel.
· I know you can read my thoughts too, boy. Meow meow meow meow….
· Marge, I’m going to miss you so much; and it’s not just the sex; it’s also the food preparation.
· For once maybe someone will call me 'sir' without adding 'you're making a scene.'
· To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.
· no TV and no beer make Homer go something something
· Don’t blame me, I voted for Kodos.
· Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.
· “In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the women, then you get the money.”
· Hey buddy, did you get a load of the nerd?
· Where you going? Father son picnic. Heh heh, you don't have a son!
· “It was a pornography store. I was buying pornography.”
· “You’ll release the dogs, or the bees, or the dogs with bees in their mouths, and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?”
· “…You’re in direct competition with each other! Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight!”
· To start, press any key. Where’s the ANY key?
· I’m like that guy who single-handedly built the rocket & flew to the moon. What was his name? Apollo Creed?
· Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true.
· Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
· Oh, kids are great! You can teach them to hate what you hate!
· Donuts...is there anything they CAN'T do?
· Yeah, I've been pokin' em, teasin' 'em, singin' off-key.
· I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
· Here’s a witty retort for you.
· Hello, dean? You're a stupid-head!
· No deer for a month!
· Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.
· I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me superman.
· English, who needs that? I'm never going to england
· Stupid TV! Be more funny!
· Operator! Give me the number for 911
· Marge, this ticket doesn't just give me a seat. It also gives me the right, no, the duty to make a complete ass of myself.
· How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some of the old stuff out of my brain.
· Don't worry, Marge. America's healthcare system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain... well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!
· Oh my God, Marge. A penalty shot with only four seconds left. It's your child versus mine! The winner will be showered with praise; the loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore!
· Save me, Jebus!
· My gastronomic rapacity knows no satiety.
· Your mother seems really upset about something. I better go have a talk with her -- during the commercial.
· I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me -- no matter how dumb my suggestions are.
· All right brain, you don't like me, and I don't like you. But let's just get me through this, and I can get back to killing you with beer.
· Marge, there's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer.
· Ooh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the magical man from Happyland, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane! Oh, by the way: I was being sarcastic.
· Remember when I took that home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
· Asleep at the switch? I wasn't asleep, I was drunk!
· Excuse me, Buzz, if that IS your real name. I believe there's still something called the swimsuit competition.
· Hey Homer, way to get Marge pregnant! This is getting very abstract, but thank you, I am enjoying my new job at the bowling alley!
· Oh, so they have internet on computers now!
“Lisa, if I’ve learned anything, it’s that life is just one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.”
· Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever...thy will be done.
· Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.
· Yes, honey...Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle.
· The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, boss. Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
· I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around.
· Mr. Scorpio says productivity is up 2%, and it's all because of my motivational techniques, like donuts and the possibility of more donuts to come.
· Now we play the waiting game…Ahh, the waiting game sucks. Let’s play Hungry Hungry Hippos!
· Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean that I don’t understand.
· When a woman says nothing’s wrong, that means everything’s wrong. And when a woman says everything’s wrong, that means everything’s wrong. And when a woman says something’s not funny, you’d better not laugh your ass off.
· Shut up, brain, or I’ll stab you with a Q-tip!
· Marge, you being a cop makes you the man...which makes me the woman. I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which, as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.
· Oh, and how is "education" supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making course and I forgot how to drive?
· Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
· If you're going to get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I'll just have to stop doing stupid things!
· Everything’s coming up Milhouse!
· Smithers, release the hounds.
· It was the best of times, it was the “blurst” of times? You stupid monkey!
· Am I so out of touch? No. It’s the children who are wrong.
· “I’m cold and there are wolves after me.”
· Just hook it to my veins!
· Look at them all, through the darkness I am bringing. They're not sad at all. They're actually singing. They sing without juicers. They sing without blenders. They sing without flungers, cabdabblers, and smendlers!
· We want chilly-willy! We want chilly-willy!
· in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them. "Give me five bees for a quarter" you'd say.
· Dental plan! (Lisa needs braces.)
· Can't sleep, clown will eat me. Can't sleep, clown will eat me
· Hey-hey, kids!
· Hi diddly ho neighborinos!
· I can’t believe you don’t shut up.
· There’s a 4:30 in the morning now?
· I wash myself with a rag on a stick
· Bake him away, toys.
· Inflammable means flammable? What a country.
· I can't wait to eat that monkey.
· Attention everyone: the punch has been spiked! Don't worry, your parents have been called and will be here to pick you up shortly!
· A Simpson never gives up until he’s done one easy thing.
· Well, whenever I’m confused, I just check my underwear. It holds the answer to all the important questions
· I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.
· You kissed a girl? That is so gay!
· Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl?
· Stop saying “Gummi.” You’re making me nuts.
· Have the Rolling Stones killed.
· Lord Palmerston!
· I’m just your memory. I can’t give you any new information.
· One of them *American* robot cars.
· Man, that just kept going, didn’t it?
· I've said jiminy jillickers so many times, the words have lost all meaning!
· What's the opposite of pride? Shame? No, not that far from shame. Less shame? Yeah.
· I'm sorry for the running you over prank. Prank?
· Aw, they were about to show some close-ups of the rod.
· Bette and I owned a racehorse together: Crippler.
· I'd like to digress from my prepared remarks to discuss how I invented the terlet.
· If you can think of a better way to make ice, I'd like to hear it.
· I used to be with it. But then they changed what it was. Now what I'm with isn't it, and what's it seems scary and wierd. It'll happen to you.
· “Sorry mom, the mob has spoken.”
· “Ahoy ahoy?”
· “My god! It’s like a party in my mouth and everyone’s invited.”
· Dear Mr. President, there are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. I am not a crackpot.
· Oh just about everything is a sin. Have you ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we’re not allowed to go to the bathroom.
· Milhouse, there is no such thing as a soul. It’s just something parents made up to scare children, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.
· I'm really sorry... I kind of traded your soul to the guy at the comic book store. But look! I got some cool pogs. Alf pogs! Remember Alf? He's back... in pog form!
· Mattingly! I thought I told you to trim those sideburns!
· Remember the time he ate my goldfish, and you lied to me and said I never had any goldfish. Then why’d I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl?
· Homer, you're dull as a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it!
· I can’t promise I’ll try. But I’ll try to try.
· I used to be with it, but then they changed what “it” was.
· Where'd you get the knife? I stole it from that Borgnine guy.
· “Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun.”
· Thanks to you, I’ve rediscovered a form of shame that’s gone unused for seven hundred years.
· Let’s sacrifice him to our god! Come on, we did it all the time in the thirties
· They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son. I have never fully understood why. Frankly, I can see an upside to it!
· Milhouse, we're living in the age of cooties. I can't believe the risk you're running. Besides, what's so great about kissing?
· Trust me, Bart, it’s better to walk in on both your parents than on just one of them.
· Okay, I'm going to keep this short. Friends, family, religion. These are the demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. Any questions?
· I've done everything the Bible says - even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff!
· I've argued in front of every judge in this state. Often as a lawyer.
· That's why you're the judge and I'm the law-talking guy.
· If there's one thing this world needs, it's more lawyers. Could you imagine a world without lawyers?
· Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film "The NeverEnding Story".
· “Mr. Simpson, I don’t use the word ‘hero’ very often. But you, sir, are the greatest America hero in American history.”
· I have a fool proof strategy to get you out of here: surprise witnesses, each more surprising than the last.
· Do these sound like the actions of a man who had "all he could eat?"
· Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
· This verdict is written on a cocktail napkin. And it still says "guilty." And "guilty" is spelled wrong!
· Your honor, I feel so confident of Marge Simpson’s guilt that I can waste the court’s time by rating the super-hunks!
· No, money down! Oops, shouldn't have this bar association logo here either.
· Oh, sure, like lawyers work in big skyscrapers and have secretaries. Look at him! He's wearing a belt. That's Hollywood for you.
· This all goes back to the Frank Wallbanger case of '78. How about that! I looked something up! These books behind me don't just make the office look good, they're filled with useful legal tidbits just like that!
· "Uh oh, we've drawn Judge Snider He's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog. Except replace the word kinda with repeatedly, and the word dog with son."
· there's "the truth" [shakes head] and "the truth." [smiles wide]
· I watched Matlock in a bar last night. The sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it.
· The jury objects to the term "urine-soaked hell hole" when you could have said "peepee-soaked heck hole."
· Do you want your son to become Chief Justice of the Supreme Court or a sleazy male stripper?
· As of this moment, Lionel Hutz no longer exists. Say hello to Miguel Sanchez!
· I rest my case. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was just a figure of speech! Case closed.
· You let me down, man. Now I don't believe in nothing no more. I'm going to law school.
· I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords.
· We Germans are not all smiles and sunshine.
· Hi, I’m Troy McClure. You might remember me from…
· I moved here from Canada, and they think I'm slow, eh?
· I was saying “Boo-urns.”
· Me fail english? That's unpossible!
· Why must you turn my office into a house of lies?
· Solar power! When will people learn?
· No one who speaks German could be an evil man.
· Don’t make me run! I am full of chocolate.
· If a cow ever got the chance, he’d eat you and everyone you care about.
· Worst. Episode. Ever.
· Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow. But I must say, you steam a good ham.
· My cat’s breath smells like cat food.
· And always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!
· It’s a perfectly cromulent word.
· You've tried the best, now try the rest! Call 1-600-DOCTORB. The "B" is for "bargain!"
· Aurora Borealis?! At this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely within your kitchen!?!
· My eyes! The goggles do nothing!
· Sit perfectly still. Only I may dance.
· Ohhh, I've wasted my life.
· Ever see a guy say goodbye to a shoe?
· There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality.
· I will have a single plum, floating in perfume, served in a man’s hat.
· “I see you’ve played knifey spooney before.”
· “Put it in ‘H’!”
· I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Democracy simply doesn’t work.
· Well if if isn't my old friend Mr. McGreg. With a leg for an arm and an arm for a leg!
· From here, they appear to be tied. But I will go in for a closer look. [time passes] Upon closer inspection, I am wearing loafers.
· I choo choo choose you.
· Do *you* come with the car?
· Here are some words that rhyme with Corey.
· Hey, Ma! Get off the dang roof!
· I shall send you to Heaven, before I send you to Hell.
· Not the elephants!
· And to show you we're serious … you have 12 hours.
· Could this town be any more stupid?
· I’ll thank you not to refer to Princeton that way!
· Last night’s ‘Itchy and Scratchy Show’ was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured, I was on the internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.
· Hello, that sounds like a pig fainting!
· Hey, funboys! Get a room!
· “My son’s name is also Bort.”
· “Up and at them!”
· You shot who in the what now?
· “It’s a perfectly cromulent word’.
· Oh, I’m uh.. on a road, uh.. looks to be asphelt. Um, ah geez, trees, shrubs um…. I’m directly under the earths sun… nnnow!
· This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a…car of some sort, heading in the direction of…you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.
· Uh, no you’ve got the wrong number. This is 9-1… 2.
· The knee bone's connected to the something. The something's connected to the red thing. The red thing's connected to my wrist watch... Uh oh.
· It makes no difference who you vote for! Either way your Planet is Doomed! Doomed!
· Talkin' out of turn…that’s a paddlin'
· Arrrr, I don't know what I'm doin’.
· Well, McGarnagle ... BIlly is dead!
· I'm sure he'll make a grand piano!
· Things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors. Useful people are starting to feel the pinch.
· “Well, Homer. I earned your respect. And all I had to do was save your life. Now, if every other gay person could save your life, we’d be set.”
· The doctor said I wouldnt have so many nosebleeds if I kept my finger outta there.
· Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery. I do work in a convenience store, you know.
· Unshrink you? Well that would require some sort of a Rebigulator, which is a concept so ridiculous it makes me want to laugh out loud and chortle…
· Get yer Haggis! Sheep's Lungs and Heart boiled in the wee beast's stomach! Tastes as good as it sounds! Get it while it's hot! Ach!
· Let's look at a picture book. 'The Big Book of British Smiles'
· If tears could burst through my muscular ducts I would cry like a baby who was just hit by a hammer.